THE BIGGEST WINNER

I was amazed by a few of the people weighing in on The Biggest Loser finale for their lack of attention to detail.

First, let me say that I realize they are already happy. I'm confident that after being that obese and getting your weight under control that money may take a back seat to health. I realize they have already won. (Except for the guy who was lost 50 lbs to go from 420 lbs down to 370 lbs, he didn't really win.)

However, you're walking out on the stage with a chance to win hundreds of thousands of dollars based on your weight. As we saw, the final weights of the three finalists came down to about 4 and 5 lbs. How are you going to walk out there with diamond earrings the size of spartan war shield? Those are a half pound each. Why are you walking out there with hair that goes down to the middle of your back and is saturated in a pound of hairspray? We saw what you looked like before, you don't need any decorations to look good, you already look great by comparision.

If I were walking out there for the final weigh in I would shave my head. OK ladies, I know, easy for Colin to say, but if I offered you $250,000 right now to shave your head would you? Would you also shave your chest? I would too. I would clip, and not eat, my toenails and fingernails. I would use sand paper on every inch of my body to take off any dead skin possible. I would take out my contacts. I would drink a pint of Exlax and let it go to work. I would put on my jogging suit and run in the shower for two hours before the weigh in. Just before I walked out I would suck in a huge gulp of helium and then flap my arms while I was on the scale to try and get some lift. And obviously, I would strip down naked on national TV.

Of course none of this matters because if I even lost 15 lbs I would be in danger of malnutrition. I haven't changed weight since the 11th grade. Yesterday I weighed 192 lbs. I have been between 182 (lowest I can remember) and 198 (highest I can remember, after the head injury when I couldn't move) for 10 years running.